An Update

Hey everyone! I realize I went silent after posting so much about the IVF process, and I'm sure it left some of you wondering what ever happened. As I wrote during the process, I felt healing, relief and support that helped me get through the difficult process of the actual treatment cycle, but what I failed to anticipate was the reaction and thoughts/feelings I would have once we found out the results.

To spare you the suspense, and in case you hadn't seen it or heard it anywhere else, the cycle worked and I am pregnant! (Woohoo!!) The most important reason I am writing this post at all is to say Thank You to each one of you who went out of your way to add us to your prayers, your fasting, your thoughts, and more. I truly feel that it wasn't just our sacrifices and effort, but also the petitioning of so many others on our behalf that led to this outcome. So THANK YOU for your love, concern, and for the moments you thought of us and pleaded for us.

For some reason (maybe because of the constant negative results we've had) I really didn't bother to anticipate or prepare myself for the possibility that the cycle would be successful, and that the baby would stick! Of course I hoped for it, but I didn't entirely plan on it. For some reason I figured my feelings about this struggle we've faced would melt away with news that we would be parents and that I was expecting. Well it turns out, finding out I'm having a baby didn't instantly change my feelings about something I've struggled with for many years. I still very much identify as someone with infertility and previous miscarriage. I still have many of the same feelings toward pregnancy and parenthood that I did before finding out I am carrying this little baby. I am still fiercely protective of my information and my feelings about this aspect of my life. I still feel more empathetic to those who have difficulty getting pregnant than those to whom it comes easily. I still feel like I could lose my baby at any moment, even though I'm past the point of significant concern & caution. I still feel like this pregnancy is something incredibly miraculous, special, fragile and worth monitoring and protecting, even though I'm low risk and considered an ordinary pregnancy to a doctor. I still wonder if I will ever be a parent with children here on Earth. Most of the time it seems too impossible to be true!

With certain types of fertility treatments come genetic information that normally isn't available as part of pregnancy. This information can be incredibly special, but it can also make it particularly difficult when things turn out different than anticipated. While the news of a positive pregnancy test was relieving and many measurable signs pointed to multiples, we soon found out that we had lost one of the embryos we transferred. Again, my hopes of having two sweet babies were not fulfilled. We already knew the gender of each tiny babe, and the reality that one was lost again hurt our hearts, and the ache is still real. We are so happy to have this one little baby who, heaven willing, will join us later this year, but it never gets easier to lose a known part of us who we know existed but will not get to meet in this life. In an attempt to acknowledge God's purposes, I feel that it may be a tender mercy, whether because of the needs and limitations of my body, or perhaps the timing in our lives. Whatever the reason, we are SO happy for the miracle of this particular growing baby boy, and we know that the love he will bring to our lives will outweigh any sorrow by amounts we can't comprehend.

I don't mean to overshadow the exciting news we have with negativity, but I've felt massive amounts of guilt that we haven't brought the news to others who have had us on your minds and who have been concerned for us, and wanted to be transparent about some of the struggle that has kept us quiet until now. With all that we've been navigating, I have been my own worst enemy letting fears and worries occupy my mind. But as each day goes by, my excitement grows and this becomes more of a reality, one that we have waited for forever! Again, we are thankful, and I'm reminded continuously that God's plan for our lives is what will come about, so long as we do our best to receive direction from Him. He knows that all experiences, good and bad, have the potential to bring us closer to Him. I'm looking forward to all the experiences to which this little boy will lead us, and to the many ways he will help us more fully understand God's love. :)