100 Times to Heaven and Back

To go along with the fertility treatment procedures, the daily hormones and medications are a huge part of the process. I wanted to give you a basic idea of the medicines that are involved. This is an aspect of fertility treatments that can be very different for each person, and I can't begin to try to cover all the bases, so I'll just give you an idea of what it's been like for me. Birth Control Medication: Surprisingly, each of my frozen cycles have started with 3-4 weeks of birth control pills in order to regulate or kind of "reset" my hormones. They do the hysteroscopy/HSG during this time and then begin shots that will be described below. You do not take birth control pills at the same time as the hormones, this is just beforehand. FSH/LH: For a fresh cycle, you might be given daily FSH/LH hormone shots for the first part of the cycle in order to regulate the growth of either just a few (for IUI) or many (for IVF) follicles. Ovulation: In a fresh cycle ...

There are several surgical and non-surgical procedures involved in IVF. Again, not everyone does all of them. You only do the procedures that are relevant to your particular medical situation. I'll just mention those that I've been through because that's all I know, but there are probably additional procedures that aren't listed here. Hysterosalpingography (HSG): This uses ultrasound and x-ray together to examine the uterus and fallopian tubes. It is used to diagnose/rule out certain problems like blocked tubes, tumors, polyps, etc. and was also used for a practice run for our upcoming transfer. This is done while the patient is awake, with no pain meds. They inject dye into the uterus, then x-ray to see what the dye does. It shows if there is a tube blockage, and if there isn't, the dye just leaks into your abdomen and is absorbed by your body. Probably considered non-surgical. Uncomfortable but not too painful. Here's an example of the HSG procedure (Ima...

When I started this blog I had every intention to provide more information about IVF. But when I really began thinking about it, I told Cody "I'm pretty sure if I start writing about IVF it'll convince me not to do it again." So I had to back off and not write about it for a while. Well, here we are doing another round. The LAST round (for a very long time at least). So I figured I would take this opportunity to tell you about it as we go. Please remember this is only one example of IVF. There are so many versions of this process, with different varieties of medications, procedures, protocols, using donor eggs/sperm, surrogacy, etc. Since this is our 4th time around and we're all so dang sick of this, we're going ALL OUT with many of the "bells and whistles" you can add into an FET cycle. (Yay me.) Just so you know, I have no intention to convince anyone of anything, so I'm not going to cite articles or research, share statistics, or use much m...

First of all, I want you to know that I'm doing well. Truly, not just on the surface but I really am happy. Sometimes I think my musing on these posts gives the impression that I am still in the depths of the struggle, but I sincerely feel that I'm in a good place. And just I want to tell you about how I got to a good place so you better understand me, and so you see how I can relate to you. To give you some background, for a round of IVF you go through an uncomfortable set of hurdles in order to even have the chance to get pregnant. And what is the anticipated outcome? That you will indeed be pregnant (seems obvious right?). You put in a ton of work, and the day of the blood test/results is filled with an almost unbearable amount of pressure and stress. And for us, disappointment, shock, sorrow, confusion, etc. have been the continuous result. It has felt like the end of the world every single time. You don't think you can be in a worse place, then it happens again. The ...

In the past year I have grappled with several of the deepest questions of my life. In the process of grieving, healing, asking and searching some thoughts have come to mind that I want to write down for my own memory, and also to share with anyone who it could potentially help. Issue 1. I can't remember if I've already mentioned this in my previous posts, but I really struggle with the idea that's been perpetuated by many that trials occur in order for you to learn something. I understand that when I write it this way out of context, you might cringe and say "Well, yes and no" but I've heard it so many times. To me, there are some serious problems with this idea, including countless examples in which it seems inappropriate to apply this theory: what is an abused child supposed to learn? What is a person supposed to learn if they die from said trial (violence, terrorism, abuse, accident, etc.) especially if they die quickly/unexpectedly? All manner of violenc...

I've seen a few stories in the last year of couples who share a picture of an ultrasound or their little infant surrounded by the bottles, syringes and medicines that got them through IVF to their bundle of joy, and feel so much love and excitement for them. In fact, I loved that idea so much I decided then that I wanted to show my journey in a similar way someday. Back in September last year our second IVF cycle was a success. We were relieved, yet hesitant to be excited because it seemed surreal. We were happy and so thankful this was the answer to prayers we had been waiting for and working toward. We began planning. I added pregnancy apps and read about all the developmental milestones the tiny one was reaching. We knew the gender from Day 1 through genetic testing, we had weekly ultrasounds starting at 4 weeks, and our sweet baby was due on June 4th. We finally had an end date to our infertility journey, and I couldn't wait to share our success with everyone who had...

This is a hard one. This marks the 5th Mother's Day that I thought would be my last Mother's Day without children, and yet I still have empty arms. Each year this day gets more and more depressing. I love my mother so much. She is my best friend, my primary therapist, she encourages me, listens to me, has patience with me, and so much more. I'm thankful to be able to celebrate her, as well as my wonderful mother-in-law who I love so much, and both my grandmas who I want to be like someday. For these 4 amazing and beautiful reasons I love Mother's Day. But...and it's a big BUT...Mother's Day is a lonely and difficult day for many, including me. All of you who are mothers know that this day is meant for you! It's to celebrate you, your hard work, your selflessness, your resilience, your example. On Mother's Day you appreciate the love of your child(ren), that blessing of your child and the ability you have to be their one and only mother. They give you...

I need to speak my truth. I've contemplated writing my thoughts in this way for a while, but I've been too far in the negative to feel like I have anything worthy of sharing with the public. This is where I say goodbye to those feelings. My truth is infertility. My truth is sadness, hard work, pain, more sadness, lots more hard work, disappointment after disappointment, *glimmer of hope*....taken away and replaced with despair......you get the point. Also, just know right off the bat, when I use the words "hard work", I'm not referring to the hard work that's also fun. The infertility journey often takes you places you never wanted to go, including baby making without the only "fun" part of baby making. **DISCLAIMER** I am so thankful. Thankful for MANY more things than I can and will write here, but I am thankful. I realize that my life is spectacular and full of opportunity and joy in many ways, but for now I need to speak about this part of m...