100 Times to Heaven and Back

In the past year I have grappled with several of the deepest questions of my life. In the process of grieving, healing, asking and searching some thoughts have come to mind that I want to write down for my own memory, and also to share with anyone who it could potentially help. Issue 1. I can't remember if I've already mentioned this in my previous posts, but I really struggle with the idea that's been perpetuated by many that trials occur in order for you to learn something. I understand that when I write it this way out of context, you might cringe and say "Well, yes and no" but I've heard it so many times. To me, there are some serious problems with this idea, including countless examples in which it seems inappropriate to apply this theory: what is an abused child supposed to learn? What is a person supposed to learn if they die from said trial (violence, terrorism, abuse, accident, etc.) especially if they die quickly/unexpectedly? All manner of violenc...

I've seen a few stories in the last year of couples who share a picture of an ultrasound or their little infant surrounded by the bottles, syringes and medicines that got them through IVF to their bundle of joy, and feel so much love and excitement for them. In fact, I loved that idea so much I decided then that I wanted to show my journey in a similar way someday. Back in September last year our second IVF cycle was a success. We were relieved, yet hesitant to be excited because it seemed surreal. We were happy and so thankful this was the answer to prayers we had been waiting for and working toward. We began planning. I added pregnancy apps and read about all the developmental milestones the tiny one was reaching. We knew the gender from Day 1 through genetic testing, we had weekly ultrasounds starting at 4 weeks, and our sweet baby was due on June 4th. We finally had an end date to our infertility journey, and I couldn't wait to share our success with everyone who had...

This is a hard one. This marks the 5th Mother's Day that I thought would be my last Mother's Day without children, and yet I still have empty arms. Each year this day gets more and more depressing. I love my mother so much. She is my best friend, my primary therapist, she encourages me, listens to me, has patience with me, and so much more. I'm thankful to be able to celebrate her, as well as my wonderful mother-in-law who I love so much, and both my grandmas who I want to be like someday. For these 4 amazing and beautiful reasons I love Mother's Day. But...and it's a big BUT...Mother's Day is a lonely and difficult day for many, including me. All of you who are mothers know that this day is meant for you! It's to celebrate you, your hard work, your selflessness, your resilience, your example. On Mother's Day you appreciate the love of your child(ren), that blessing of your child and the ability you have to be their one and only mother. They give you...

I need to speak my truth. I've contemplated writing my thoughts in this way for a while, but I've been too far in the negative to feel like I have anything worthy of sharing with the public. This is where I say goodbye to those feelings. My truth is infertility. My truth is sadness, hard work, pain, more sadness, lots more hard work, disappointment after disappointment, *glimmer of hope*....taken away and replaced with despair......you get the point. Also, just know right off the bat, when I use the words "hard work", I'm not referring to the hard work that's also fun. The infertility journey often takes you places you never wanted to go, including baby making without the only "fun" part of baby making. **DISCLAIMER** I am so thankful. Thankful for MANY more things than I can and will write here, but I am thankful. I realize that my life is spectacular and full of opportunity and joy in many ways, but for now I need to speak about this part of m...